I once attended a training session where the presenter rabbited on about the fairness scale and how people think and respond when faced with decisions and problems which all links back to their perspective on what is just and fair.
At the time I half listened while I drew flowers and big nosed faces on my note pad, I regret that I didn’t give the old guy with the annoying nose hair the attention he deserved, because all I can think about at the moment is fairness.
Pre-Crohn’s the statement ‘it’s so unfair’ would normally be met with a subtle eye-roll from me. I am the eldest child of three. Fair hasn’t ever factored in to my world.
Was it fair that I had to wait until 16 to get a mobile phone when my brother got one at 12? No! Did I whinge about it? Hell no! Michelle Lanati would have pinned me with her stare and stated ‘life isn’t fair, you grew up before them and therefore you set the path’. Great I did such a stella job of being the perfect child that my siblings got away with murder! Little shits!
But I have to say, fairness isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Think of Snow White.
Her evil step mother would stand in the mirror and ask who’s the fairest of them all? That mirror would state Snow White and next thing, the bitch is locking her in dungeons poisoning her with apples and trying to neck her.
Thank god for those little minions and Thor with his massive hammer, sweeping in and saving the day, while wearing deliciously tight pants. Without his magic kiss, snowie would be doomed and all our childhood fairy tales would be ruined!
When faced with something that alters your life, it’s hard not to have your perspective altered as well. And I find myself, sometimes, thinking ‘hmm, this seems a little unfair’.
I have often stated that the biggest part of this fight is actually mental. Pain you can dim with medication but thoughts are much harder to reign in and get under control.
The self pity is like tiny bugs crawling on your skin. It makes me uneasy, because on the fairness scale of 1 to 10, what I am dealing with sometimes feel very unfair so I’d say a 9, then other days it doesn’t seem all that bad so I’d say a 3.
Am I starving? No. Children in third world countries don’t have water to drink and I am, for the most part, well fed and watered.
Am I in agony? No. And if my pain levels spike I have readily available medicine to help me.
Have I faced any real, cruel injustices? No. I had a great childhood, wonderful parents, anything I really needed, some things I didn’t. Loving partner, awesome friends, good job, great wardrobe, money, security and generally – good health.
So how can I sit here and feel like I am being treated unfairly?
I have a great mother and even better, I am one of the lucky few that has a great mother-in-law (shocking I know!). Neither one of these women are trying to poison me with dodgy apples.
I have my own knight in shining armor. He doesn’t wear tight pants and carry a massive hammer, but he rocks those Ray Ban’s and beard like a total bad arse. His gallant stallion is an ISUZU and his side kick is a four legged fur ball, but he sweeps in and saves the day when ever I need it.
And yet despite all this, there are days when I want to stand at the highest peak and scream;
“FUCK YOU, THIS IS SO DAMN UNFAIR!”
I can’t help but wonder was it something I did? But that’s stupid. I think about children that are born with cancer and life threatening diseases and these perfect angels come into the world fighting – now that’s unfair. They haven’t lived yet, so it’s not like you can say they did something to deserve this life. Neither did I.
If I base my diagnosis on things that may or may not have happened, then I need to apply that same theory to everything in life and when I think about the above example, it doesn’t add up.
So I have decided to draw my own fairness scale. Fairness is about perspective. And I am choosing to ditch the notion that having Crohn’s is a consequence of something I did or didn’t do. It’s simply a medical condition that I have unfortunately got.
It has nothing to do with what is fair or not, it’s just life. Not a reaction, not a consequence. It just is. To give myself the mental freedom I need to be able to live, I have to draw a line in the sand at some point and just suck it up and move on.
It’s part of my story – snowie got her HEA and I will get mine too. The knights may be different, she had 7 little people on her team, I have three. Her step mum was certified crazy nuts, my ‘mums’ are borderline but have huge hearts and all my supporting actors and actresses are bloody brilliant.
I know there will be days I can’t help but be a bit ‘why me’ and I will do what I always do, call my editor in chief and have a bitch – she will set me straight and remind me it could be worse (I could have her mother-in-law, YIKES!) and all will be right again.
So moving forward, my only thoughts on fairness will be this;
“You cannot be fair to others without first being fair to yourself” – Vera Nazarian