I have always been one of those people that can’t help but think of that saying ‘never do tomorrow what you can do today’ – basically, nut up and get your shit handled.
Well, I was. Not so much lately.
I am guilty of becoming a grade A avoider, or as I am affectionately naming myself;
The Great Avoider
Now I should clarify that this is only really applicable to my health. Ironic right, the one fucking area I should be all over my shit like bees on honey, but alas, I chose to turn a blind eye and do ANYTHING other than what I should.
Up until Crohn’s, my avoidance level has always been that of a normal person.
I avoid the checkout at my local woolies where my brother’s hideous ex-girlfriend works. Honestly, who in their right mind wants to deal with that shit #teamlanatialways
I avoid paying my phone bill until the day it’s due. Why would I give those people my money a second earlier than I have to?
I avoid opening my mail. Not once I have opened it and gone ‘yippee, such great mail’. No, just no. If it cant be emailed, snapchatted, facebooked or grammed, I don’t even want to know about it.
I avoid the people in the street trying to convince me to sponsor a little Ethiopian child. I can barely feed my damn self, let alone take on the responsibility of a child that I will inevitably let down when I forget the payment is due and spend the money on coffee only to realise I have now incurred at $10 dishonour fee for overdrawing my account, further overdrawing my account and by the time I sort it out the next payment is due and the cycle starts again – trust me, avoiding this responsibility is best for us all.
I feel the above mentioned level of avoidance is peachy-keen-jelly-bean. And had it of stopped at that, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this blog as a way to avoid something I’m just not comfortable with.
I just finished reading a blog. On chronic illness. A chronic illness called Crohn’s. A chronic illness that I have. What-the-ever-loving-fuck. I keep forgetting. Stupid I know. But true.
Tonight is injection night. All day today I had one job. Go to the chemist and make sure they have my injection or that they order it in so I have it for tomorrow night. I go past my nominated chemist approximately 8-10 times a day. Every time I enter my office building I pass it. I even fucking wave at Steve or Sandra (the pharmacist) every single time I pass.
My thought pattern today, went a little like this;
Arrival at work; Oh, there’s Steve, I should probably go in and check they have my injection. Hmm, he’s busy, I will come back
Off to lunch; damn I need to duck in and see Steve and check my injection. Hmm, I have to go backwards, I will see him on the way up
Returning from lunch; fuck-a-duck just my luck, I forgot to see Steve. I will go down on my coffee break.
Coffee break;… mid chat… ‘I know I can’t believe it’… waves at Sandra on the way PAST the chemist… continues conversation. Note to self; call Sandra.
Arrives at desk and promptly forgets to call Sandra.
Leaving work; told the hubby I’d leave on time. Crap, I’m late. Oh well, will stop in and see the chemist tomorrow morning on my way into work.
You know what I get for being my own worst enemy and forgetting (avoiding) the chemist today? A fucking stomach ache. Now it could be a stomach ache. But I’d be avoiding the truth if I didn’t dig deep, deep down to that spot that holds my darkest secrets and admit, begrudgingly, that maybe, kinda, sorta, I just didn’t want to deal with Crohn’s today. So I just avoided it all together.
The kicker about avoiding something like a ‘chronic illness’ is when you have a light bulb moment reading an article about your chronic illness and you realise, with crystal clear clarity, this fucker is not going away. There is no ‘cure’ for Crohns.
<insert mild fucking freak out here>
I will always have Crohn’s on some level. If I don’t have active Crohn’s I will be managing my Crohn’s. I will always, be a sick person. And that just fucking pisses me off. Even if they cut the fucker out, they have told me that the chances of my Crohn’s re-attacking the juncture where they re-join my intestines is high. So they want to avoid taking it out for as long as possible. In the next breathe, they assure me that I have ‘heaps’ of gut so they can take it out a couple of times if needed.
Again, I avoid this line of thought. Why wouldn’t I? It’s not pretty. There are no fucking hearts, rainbows or flowers. So yeah, sometimes I just avoid it all together.
I know this is stupid. I wait for the phone call from the numerous family members who will no doubt reiterate exactly how stupid it is when they read this blog, but you know what. Sometimes, avoiding the issue is the only way I can handle the issue.
I feel shit today. Real shit. I have come off the back of two amazing weeks where I lived life. I ate. I drank. I felt good. I got lots of sun. My feet were in sand or inches away from sand. And for two glorious weeks, I wasn’t a person with a chronic illness. I was a bride celebrating life with the love of her life. I was a 30-something year old women ticking shit off her life list and living the fuck out of it. *breaks into song…I am women hear me roar…*
And today. Today, I am a Crohn’s patient. A Crohn’s patient that has to get her injection organised. A Crohn’s patient that has a stomach ache. A Crohn’s patient that has a stomach ache that may be more than a stomach ache. A Crohn’s patient who wants to do anything other than deal with their Crohn’s.
Today I am the great avoider. I am smashing the shit out of it. Today, I am giving myself an A+, I earn’t it!